Philosophy Theatre

A couple of weeks before Christmas Dr. Right and his android daughters, Mechtild and Serhild, are out shopping at the store. Serhild sees an overweight man in his late 40s working as a mall Santa. Oddly he is wearing a pair of black sunglasses.

Serhild walks over to him and talks to him. “Hey mister. Um… What’s with the glasses?”

“Like them, dude? Makes me look totally radical right?”

“Uh… I guess so.”

“Cool! You dig what I’m doing with the old Santa schtick? I’m trying to shake things up a bit this year. You know, branch out from the standard ‘ho ho ho’ routine.”

“I like the glasses. Totally badass.”

Mechtild shrugs. “This will only be my second Christmas so I don’t get why you need to change it up.”

The man scratches his head. “You mean this is only the second time you’ve celebrated?”

Mechtild smiles. “Yes, I was just created over a year ago.”

“Whoa, man, that’s crazy! Kids grow up fast these days,” The man says with an astonished look.

Dr. Right laughs. “Well, she didn’t grow up exactly.”

Mechtild holds out her hand. “I’m Mechtild by the way, my sister’s name is Serhild, and this is Dr. Right our father.”

The man takes her hand and shakes it. “Nice to meet you. I’m Zorn.”

“Anyways, back to Santa,” says Serhild.

Zorn nods. “Right, right! Well, anyways, if you guys don’t mind me asking, what do you want for Christmas?”

Mechtild raises her arm and wiggles her fingers. “I wants a new PC with a bunch of upgraded hard drives and lots of RAM.”

Zorn nods. “Makes sense. Um… Serhild?”

Serhild crosses her arms. “I wants some sort of game system or console.”

Zorn gives her a thumbs up. “Yeah, man, always awesome to get a console for Christmas.”

“Yeah, cool,” says Serhild, nodding along.

Dr. Right shrugs. “I just want world peace.”

Zorn chuckles. “Now that’s the kinda thing I’d expect an actual Santa Claus to say!”

Mechtild raises her fist. “Not to mention a strong economy and a cure for cancer!”

Zorn puts a hand on his heart. “I swear by the beard upon my chest that I’ll see what I can do.”

Dr. Right nods. “Good enough for me.”

Zorn shakes hands with Mechtild. “It was good meeting you both. Have a merry Christmas!!”

As they are about to leave the manager walks up to Zorn. “I’m sorry to say Zorn, but we no longer need a Santa.”

Zorn gasps. “Dude, what?!”

“The owner decided to get rid of everything Christmas related since other faiths find it offensive. Instead we will now only have general seasonal merchandise, non-religious decorations, and a generic holiday theme for the entire store.”

Zorn closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Oh man…”

Mechtild leans over and whispers to her father. “Wow… what a stupid decision.”

Dr. Right nods in agreement. “Yeah, real classy move.”

Serhild tosses her head back. “Yeesh, talk about forced PCness.”

The manager finishes talking to Zorn and leaves. Zorn sighs and says, “Now how am I supposed to afford that new video card? Well, I hope you dudes have a merry Christmas.”

As he is about to leave Dr. Right says, “I have an idea. Why don’t you stop by on Christmas Eve? We can have a Christmas party, and I might be able to help you out.”

Zorn says, “Yeah man, why not?”

Mechtild says, “That sounds fun.”

Dr. Right nods. “Then it’s settled. See you on Christmas Eve!”

Zorn says. “I’ll be there, dude!”

Mechtild and Serhild say, “Alright!”

And with that the group departs.

As they are walking down the street Serhild says, “It sucks that that guy took over the company…”

Mechtild nods. “Yes, what a Grinch.”

Serhild snarls. “I’d like to take him out. He’s just sooo annoying.”

Dr. Right sighs. “Serhild, violence isn’t the solution.”

“But why is it wrong? Why do we have to let those jerks get away with stuff?”

Dr. Right sighs again. “You can’t fight evil with evil. God tells us to love even our enemies. If you want to change the world then you must change the hearts of men. Not through force, but through kindness.”

“But how is that supposed to work?”

“We must lead by example.”

“Isn’t it easier to just hit them in the face with a baseball bat?” Serhild says as she makes a swinging motion.

“We must convince others that kindness is the right way to treat people, not violence.”

Serhild rolls her eyes at this. Mechtild turns to her pointing her finger up saying “Do to others as you would have them do to you. Would you want someone hitting you in the face just because you were a jerk?”

“Mmmm… no,” Serhild says.

Dr. Right smiles and says, “Then you should treat others the same.”

“That’s really hard. It’s so much easier when you get to hit them. Just smack them upside the head and make them stop being annoying.”

Dr. Right crosses his arms and shakes his head. “No, that’s not the answer.”

Serhild laughs and says, “It totally is! All that ‘do unto others’ crap is for suckers. I’d rather be smacked around.”

Mechtild points her finger at Serhild and says sternly, “That is not the answer.”

Serhild just sighs and walks off, muttering under her breath. Dr. Right looks after her and sighs, shaking his head as he watches her go.

Mechtild looks at him and says, “I’m sorry we can’t seem to convince her that kindness is the best path.”

“She has to come to this on her own. It’s something I hope she’ll come to eventually.”

“I hope so too.”

Dr. Right says, “Thank you. It’s getting late, why don’t we call it a night?”

“Sure. We still have some time before dinner though. Do you want to watch a movie when we get home or something?”

Dr. Right says, “Actually, I was hoping to read a bit.”

“Oh. Okay. Sure. What are you reading?”

“The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.”

Mechtild raises an eyebrow and says, “That sounds fun.”

“Yeah, it should be nice and relaxing,” Dr. Right replies as they reach the car.

Serhild is waiting by it for them and gets into the back seat. Mechtild shuts the door and gets into the front passenger side. Dr. Right then climbs into the driver’s seat and starts the car.

They drive through the quiet streets of the town. Dr. Right doesn’t say anything for a while. Serhild just stares out the window at the houses and trees as they pass. She wonders what other people are doing at the moment.

Mechtild turns to look at her and says, “What are you thinking about?”

“Oh… nothing important.”

“Oh? You’ve got that look on your face again. What is it about?”

Serhild shrugs her shoulders and says, “Just stuff. Nothing much.”

“If you keep hiding it from me, I’ll never get to know you.”

Serhild ponders this for a minute, and then says, “I was just thinking about how little I really know about what’s going on in the world around me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m only now finding out that there’s more going on than I thought.”

Mechtild says, “That’s good. It’s not like anyone likes being ignorant.”

“No, it’s not. But, I don’t understand half of what I hear about the news.”

“Really?” Mechtild asks.

“Yes. And it’s worse when it’s about politics. There are so many people fighting against each other, it’s hard to tell who is right.”

Mechtild smiles and says, “Father says there is a lot of nonsense on the news. If you want to know who’s right then you need a source of absolute truth, and you can find that in God’s Word.”

Serhild sighs. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

Dr. Right turns to them. “The reason why we celebrate Christmas is in remembrance of the birth of our Savior, Jesus. He went on to perform many miracles showing that He was the Son of God. He even predicted future events like the destruction of the Temple. I think that gives good reason to believe that the Bible is the truth.”

“I guess…” Serhild mumbles. She isn’t sure about all of that stuff, but she likes the idea of celebrating Christmas. She gets more excited because she hears about things like carols, angels, and Santa Claus. It’s fun to imagine Father Christmas riding a sleigh pulled by reindeer with presents for everyone under the tree.

“You seem more interested in the Santa Claus thing,” Dr. Right teases.

“Well… maybe I am!” Serhild says with a smile. She looks out the window as they drive through town, and imagines Father Christmas coming down the chimney and giving her a present.

They arrive home at Dr. Right’s house and lab. The robots have finished working the field for the day and are recharging. As Mechtild walks through the door her Shibu Innu dog, Tadao, runs up and starts barking excitedly. She stoops down and picks him up. “Were you good doge while we were gone? We got to see Santa at the store, and he’s coming to visit Christmas Eve!”

Tadao barks happily and licks her face, which makes her giggle. “That’s a good boy,” Mechtild says. “We’ll have to get you some treats for Christmas.”

Serhild plays on the old game system in the living room while Dr. Right and Mechtild prepare supper. Afterward they all go to bed, but Serhild is too excited to sleep right away. She rolls around and tosses and turns. Finally she sits up and looks out the window into the night sky. Above her is a starry sky full of the brightest and largest stars that can be seen from Earth. She imagines Father Christmas in his sleigh flying through the dark night sky searching for houses to visit.

In another part of the country a man with red hair is seen typing away on his computer. He is Jester Teller the infamous anonymous author and internet celebrity. His blog and YouTube channel are extremely popular. He has written about many controversial subjects, like abortion, gun control, and police brutality, but most of his posts are either humorous or satirical. The videos that he posts are often funny, but they also have a message behind them, always pointing out hypocrisy, especially hypocrisy that people don’t want to talk about, but he can’t ignore.

He is also secretly the leader of the organization known as Jester Gang that seeks to make the world better for themselves by any means necessary. They have committed many crimes in the name of what they believe in. They have hacked into corporate databases and released confidential information to the public, and they have helped to expose corrupt politicians. They have broken into police headquarters and stolen sensitive information, and have posted it online for the public to see.

He gets a message from his second in command, Scathach. After being hit be a car, a demon possessed her turning her into a demon girl. She managed to not only recover from her injuries, but also maintain control over her body. She hides all this from the gang though telling them she’s just a cosplayer.

Her message reads, “Got any plans for Christmas? Or are you just staying home and playing video games like a nerd lol.”

Jester replies, “Just the usual Christmas stuff like visiting my parents and posting Christmas memes.”

“Lame.”

“What about you? Visiting your parents?”

“That might be a little difficult. Hey, why don’t we have like a Christmas party at the headquarters the day before?”

“Sounds like fun. You’re on.”

“Btw, did you hear about that store chain that is replacing everything Christmas with just generic holiday stuff?”

“Yeah I saw that, I don’t care much for the religious aspects of Christmas, but it’s stupid to ruin the fun of it just to keep from offending people.”

“Didn’t Zorn say he was working there as a Santa?”

Jester taps his desk for a moment and then types, “How about we teach the owner a little lesson?”

“I like it. Tell me what you have in mind.”

Jester spends an hour or so going over the plan and they decide on the name “Jingle-Hammer” for the mission. A few days later at night Scathach, Zorn, and some Jester Gang grunts gather in front of the store. With them also is a little demon girl, Jaelle, who works for Jester Gang in exchange for food.

Jaelle says excitedly, “Hey, what we doing today?”

“We are going to do some light pranking on that store owner and the managers to teach them to not mess with us,” Scathach says.

“Ooh exciting, let’s go!”

Zorn motions towards the back of the store. “Alright, dudes, follow my lead. We’ll be in and out in no time.”

Scathach follows Zorn to a door near the back of the building and motions for him to wait. She holds up a device and fiddles with it. After a minute she nods and opens the door. They step inside and close the door behind them.

Scathach turns to the other members. “Alright, let’s smash all the dumb Happy Holidays crap and replace it with Christmas merchandise.”

“Yeah, let’s teach those assholes a lesson,” says one of the grunts.

Jaelle points at the cookies. “I eat and replace with Christmas cookie!”

Zorn scratches his head. “Wait… Did we bring Christmas cookies?”

The group looks around. Scathach shakes her head and shrugs.

Jaelle punches Zorn playfully in the shoulder. “Naughty boy! Santa Claus no give cookies to bad boys!”

The group goes through the store smashing and ripping things replacing them with Christmas cards, costumes, and toys. The place is totally trashed when they’re done. They leave the store, closing the door behind them.

Zorn stops for a minute and listens at the door. He nods. “Heh, right on schedule, the employees should be opening up soon. Let’s go back to the hideout.”

As they walk down the street, a strange shape is seen moving through the shadows behind them. There are glowing green eyes, horns, and long claws on its hands. It leaps behind one of the Jester Gang grunts and grabs him by the throat lifting him into the air.

Scathach quickly turns around. “What the hell?! A demon?!”

“Oh man, it’s got Bob!” Zorn yells out.

The creature is covered in fur and has goat like hoofs. Chains are wrapped around it make noise as it moves. It begins to speak, “Hello you naughty boys and girls, I’m Krampus here to give everyone the present they deserve! Thanks to all the hate for Christmas I was able to enter into the human world.”

Bob chokes out, “Krampus? But that’s just an old tale from folk lore and-“

Krampus growls and tightens his grip around Bob. “Is that what you think now? Did your nice new society turn you so much that you forget the old ways? Here’s the deal. Work for me and I’ll let you live.”

Bob’s eyes widen in fear as he tries to push away Krampus’ claw. “I…I need to go home. I have my family to think about. My children need their father.”

Krampus laughs. “Do not worry, little human. I will give you a nice death. It won’t hurt at all!”

Suddenly a spiked ball strikes Krampus’s hand causing him to yell in pain and drop Bob. Bob quickly scrambles to his feet and runs away as Krampus rubs his hand.

“Who did that?!” Krampus yells in fury looking around.

He then sees Jaelle with her arm outstretched smirking. Strangely a sudden look of fear comes across Krampus’s face. “Wait, y-you’re…”

Scathach motions towards the alley where their van is parked. “Now’s our chance! Run for it!”

The Jester Gang starts making their escape, but then Zorn stops and hesitates. He thinks back to his meeting with the Right family.

Zorn calls out to the others, “Wait dudes! We just can’t let this thing run free. People might get hurt.”

Scathach looks at Zorn. “What the hell are you talking about? Not our problem. We aren’t demon hunters.”

“Yeah, but we can do something about it,” Zorn says, “We don’t want people to suffer. We have to stop that thing before it hurts anyone.”

Scathach walks over to Zorn and puts her hand on his shoulder. “Look old man, we’re trying to make life better for us not risk our lives to help people we don’t even know. They’ll send a hunter to take care of it eventually. Let’s go.”

But Zorn just shakes his head. “Dude, I’m not letting this thing go out there and cause more chaos.”

Scathach rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Alright then old man. If that’s what you want to do, go ahead and save the world. We’ll do our own thing.”

Zorn starts walking towards Krampus.

Bob looking out from the alleyway says, “Is he really going to fight that thing? That’s suicide!”

Krampus laughs when he sees Zorn approaching. “What’s this, you’re approaching me? Do you have a death wish? Or have you come to beg for forgiveness?”

Zorn stops a little distance away. “Naw dude, I’ve come to beat the crap out of you.” He presses a button on the controller on his glove. “And by beat the crap out of you I mean my little friend will!”

The back of the Jester Gang van bursts open and a little figure leaps out running at rapid speed towards Krampus. It’s a robot with green helmet and armor, white gloves, yellow shoes, and a black visor with big white eyes. It leaps over Zorn’s head winding up a punch.

“Hit him with the Ultra Punch, Ultra Guy!” Zorn yells as the robot starts falling towards Krampus.

“Ul-tra Punch!” Ultra Guy cries out.

But Krampus grabs the robot out of the air, then bends it backwards into a U shape, holding it against the ground. Krampus takes his foot and kicks the robot like a soccer ball. The robot flies several feet through the air crashing to the ground a good distance away from him.

“Hey man, that’s not how it’s supposed to go!” Zorn yells angerly.

Krampus turns to Zorn and grins. “Nice toy. Did you buy him at the store? Hope you got a warranty because I think I might have broke it.” He then points to Zorn. “You’re next!”

Krampus begins to charge at Zorn who backs up. He tries tapping the buttons on his controller. “Come on, Ultra Guy, get up!”

Just as Krampus is about to reach Zorn suddenly Scathach comes flying through the air on her axe guitar. She grabs the axe guitar and lifts it above her head as she falls down out of the air. Krampus comes to a stop and puts his arms up to shield himself as she swing down with the axe. Blood spurts as the blade thuds against the demon’s arms. Krampus yelps and jumps back.

Scathach turns to Zorn. “You owe me one, old man.”

Zorn grins and gives her a thumbs up.

Krampus drops back and curls into a defensive stance. “That strength was too great to be a human woman’s. Are you actually a demon? Hmm… But you smelled like a human.”

Scathach laughs nervously. “N-no, don’t be silly! I’m just a cosplayer.”

“Her costume is really realistic, man. Don’t think I’ve ever seen her without it. She must be really hardcore,” Zorn adds.

Surprised Krampus says, “A human woman is actually just that strong? She’s like a gorilla!”

Scathach glares at him. “Okay, I’m going to burninate you now!”

She plays on her guitar and a large ball of fire begins forming. After she strums the last rift she raises her hand into the air and then points forward sending the fireball flying at the demon. As it approaches Krampus suddenly begins breathing in and puffing his chest up. He holds it for a brief moment before blowing out a freezing blast of wind. The fireball begins to shrink, and just before impact it is deflected away into the air.

“You call that magic?” Krampus laughs, “Seriously, you’re like a baby.”

Scathach grits her teeth glaring at him. “Damn, this demon is tough!”

“Don’t worry, dude. I got him now that his guard is down,” Zorn says as he pushes a button on his controller.

Ultra Guy is seen leaping into the air behind Krampus. “Ul-tra punch, punch, punch, punch!”

Krampus whips around but it’s too late to react. He is hit by a series of rapid punches, each one is harder than the last. Krampus’s arms flail in pain as he spins and hits the ground with a thud. Ultra Guy raises his fist into the air in victory.

Krampus pushes himself to his feet and glares at Ultra Guy. “Not bad for a toy! But no match for my powers!”

Krampus blows out a blast of freezing wind that encases the robot’s legs in ice freezing him in place. Scathach charges at Krampus with her axe glowing red hot and takes a swing, but he dodges to the side and punches her in the stomach sending her flying into the side of a building. She grimaces in pain as she slumps to the ground.

“You got lucky last time, woman!” He calls to her as he takes a step towards her. “But it won’t happen again.”

Scathach struggles to her feet and takes a swing at Krampus but he blocks her attack easily. He blows out freezing wind encasing her arms in ice. She cries out in pain and is unable to move her arms. The voice of the demon inside her, who she calls Gary, speaks saying, ‘Having trouble? Let me take control of this body and I’ll show you how it’s done.’

Scathach mutters back to him, “No way! Not happening.”

‘Oh really? Don’t blame me if you end up dead then,’ Gary says.

Krampus laughs and says, “Talking to yourself? I guess you’ve lost your mind with fear!” Before punching her sending her flying to the ground.

“Scathach!” Zorn yells. “Oh man, how do we beat this thing?”

Krampus begins to walk towards Scathach as she struggles to get up with her frozen arms. He brings up his foot to stomp her. He suddenly stops giving out a yelp of pain. Turning around he sees Jaelle biting his rear with her sharp teeth.

“Hear goat meat tasty,” Jaelle says as she chews on him.

Krampus quickly rips her off of him and growls in rage at the pain. Jaelle grins at him as he holds her in the air. He flinches and sweet drips from his brow. He quickly tosses her away from him like she was a poisonous snake.

“I have no quarrel with you Black Goat. I don’t know why you are with these humans, but don’t get in my way. You will regret it!”

Jaelle motions as if saying “bring it on” while grinning. Krampus furrowed brow turns to a snarl of anger.

“Don’t underestimate me!” he bellows blowing out freezing air at her encasing her body in ice. Thinking to himself, ‘That should keep her out of the way for now. It would be too dangerous to fight her.’

Meanwhile, Zorn has been working Ultra Guy’s controls trying to break him free of the ice. Finally, the robot manages to stomp off the last of the ice covering it’s legs. Zorn lets out a breath of relief.

Ultra Guy charges at Krampus throwing punches at him. The demon blocks the blows then blows out a blast of freezing air. Quickly working the controls Zorn manages to have Ultra Guy narrowly avoid it. Krampus sends more icy blasts at the robot, but it manages to dodge all of them.

“My gaming skills are finally paying off, but at this rate all I can do is avoid his attacks,” Zorn says to himself.

Bob comes running holding a big sci-fi looking gun. “Here, Zorn, try using this experimental gun Troll Doctor made for Ultra Guy.”

He tosses the gun towards Ultra Guy, and the robot leaps up into the air catching it. It points the gun at Krampus shouts, “Activating BHG.” The gun lights up and vents open up pouring out steam. “Fire!”

A huge blast of energy erupts from the BHG that speeds towards Krampus.

“What?!” The demon yells as light engulfs him. There is a large explosion and the smoking body of Krampus is sent flying out of the smoke and through the air. He flies into the large Christmas tree in the town square being impaled on a branch.

Scathach uses her fire magic to thaw her arms then Jaelle.

“Was popsicle!” Jaelle says shivering.

Scathach sighs. “That was a close one. I told you it was dangerous, Zorn. That ending was pretty metal though.”

Zorn laughs. “Yeah, man, that new gun is pretty badass.”

The gang quickly makes their exit before the police can arrive in response to all the commotion. Later that day the discovery of the body of the demon in the Christmas tree and the vandalization of the store is all over the local news.

“I don’t get how something like this happens in this town,” Serhild says watching the news report.

“We were just at that store a few days ago. It’s concerning there was a demon running free in town. I wonder what demon hunter took it out? Strange nobody took credit for it,” Mechtild comments.

Dr. Right puts his hand to his chin. “Yes, very strange. I’m glad at least no one was hurt.”

Back at the Jester Gang headquarters Scathach is telling Jester about what happened.

“That’s wild. You mean not only is Krampus real but you guys killed it?” Jester says amazed. “Hey, at least maybe the demon will be blamed for the store vandalization,” he adds in spreading his arms.

Jaelle folds her arms. “Wanted goat meat. Why in such rush to get back?” She says displeased.

“Don’t worry we’ll get you something nice to eat,” Scathach says patting Jaelle on the head.

Jester turns to Zorn. “By the way, Zorn, are you coming to the Christmas party?”

Zorn thinks for a moment then says, “Sorry, dude, but I already got an invite to one with this nice family back in town. You guys have fun and a merry Christmas.”

“We will, old man. Don’t worry about us. We’re gonna have a blast,” Scathach says.

Jester grins and says, “Alright, be safe and merry my friend.”

The day of Christmas Eve arrives and everyone has a great time at their Christmas parties. Dr. Right gives Zorn a custom made video card for his gaming PC. Meanwhile, at the Jester Gang party, Scathach and Jester get drunk and Jaelle eats all the cookies. They end up singing karaoke.

Then comes Christmas day and Mechtild and Serhild eagerly open their presents marked as from Santa. Mechtild gets the new PC she wanted, and Serhild gets the latest family game console with several games.

Serhild points excitedly at the console. “Look this one is portable! I can carry it around!”

Mechtild laughs. “That’s cool. We should play some multiplayer games together.”

“Yes! I want to see your skills, sister,” Serhild says.

Dr. Right chuckles. “I’m glad you girls like your presents from old St. Nicholas. If you’re good girls I’m sure he will bring even more great gifts for you next year.”

Serhild smiles happily. “We’re going to be so good.”

They enjoy the rest of day having a great time playing games and playing outside in the snow. It’s a day they will always remember and treasure even through the hard times to come.